This past week has been hell. I tried my hardest to keep my cool and not get emotional. But I’m not as tough as I once thought. 4 weeks ago Shane and I found out we were pregnant. Shane and I were so happy Maddox would have a baby brother or sister.
Well Monday of last week I began bleeding. Lightly at first. I went and got an ultra sound and everything looked great. The baby even had a heartbeat of about 110bpm. The said spotting is natural don’t worry. Wednesday morning I woke covered in blood, called my doctor and they asked me to come in for another ultrasound. What they found was a tiny fetus, still with a heartbeat, but a large uterus. They explained to me that I was not going to keep this baby and to prepare to miscarry. My uterus was full of fluid and I guess not measuring the size they like at only 8 weeks. I went home and didn’t really know how to feel. Shane was distraught and I was pretty emotionless.
Come Friday evening around lunch hour I really started losing blood. And inside I knew what was happening I knew I was losing my baby, but I guess even further down I thought maybe, just maybe the doctors would be wrong. I called the doctor and he bluntly stated:
You’re miscarrying this baby, there is nothing we can do. Let nature take its course and go home and rest.
I lost it. Everyone at work kept saying “everything happens for a reason” “you’re just not ready for 2 kids”
“You’ll be okay”
Everything is NOT okay
I AM ready for 2 children
And NOTHING happens for a reason.
I need time to grieve. Regardless of how small the fetus was and your beliefs. I believe that tiny beating heart was still my little boy or girl and to not be able to watch him or her grow into a beautiful person hurts me more than anything ever has. My heart is broken.